HSN and canoe sex

I watched the absolute scariest and funniest thing last night on television. Let me say here and now that my favorite thing is Suzanne Somers on the Home Shopping Network plugging her jewelry, sunglasses, clothes, and of course, her new book, I�m a Lunatic or whatever it was called. It was one of those Zen moments when I happened to flip past it and I went back because I just knew that she was going to display some magic. She did not disappoint.

What caught me off guard at first was the fact that both Suzanne and the co-hostess were both wearing nightgowns. Silky, lacey nightgowns. At the time they were talking about this pink and black ring that was the size of my head. According to them it was �remarkable.� The hostess then commented that she had never seen anything like that and that it was �a real honker.� She went on to say that Suzanne has always been into honkers�that she was a �honker girl.� Suzanne took the word honker and ran with it. Like the time I bleached my eyebrows with pure peroxide, this was not a good idea. Suzanne first attempted to sing a song about honkers all Country-Western style and then just gave up and said �well, I have a pair of honkers!� Indeed.

Best quotes of the broadcast:

Suzanne (to the sound guy, Mark): Hey Mark, can we play some different music? You know just like what you�re playing now, only different?�

The rest of my evening was cooking intensive. I made jambalaya and tuna salad while eating garlic stuffed olives. I�m looking forward to having the jambalaya for lunch today. I�ve been eating my soup and crackers everyday for over a year now and it�s time to make a change and I�m starting with the man in the mirror.

This morning I woke up and flung the remote off my bed when I flipped up the comforter. Then I picked it up and didn�t have a firm enough grip so when I turned around it went flying out of my hand and once again� went flying and crashed on the ground. The battery case popped off and the AA�s went rolling. I left it there. I had a flashback to Sunday afternoon when I was still groggy and slightly hung over from Saturday. I went to 7-11 and reached in for a Gatorade. It decided it wanted to slip out of my hand and go crashing to the floor causing the lid to explode off and create a mountain dew colored river. I stared at it like it did this to me on purpose. And then I left it there, got another one and left. Stupid hands.

My new favorite thing to say when someone makes weak coffee: �It�s like having sex in a canoe.� Why you ask�because it�s fuckin near water. Everyday with that

Last but not least I must apologize to Price William for not celebrating his birthday yesterday. I hope he can forgive me. I should call that mother.

e.