Pimp my ride please

People, I have a new arch nemesis. One would think my boss, the gopher, would be enough however a new character has entered into the mix and I must say it�s going to be a tough fight. Boxing gloves may be in order but to completely vanquish my new opponent it may have to be a bare fisted, hands dipped in shards of glass kind of fight. I am referring of course to the cold knob on my bathroom sink. It seems that the disc on top of the knob that reads �C� with an arrow indicating the direction you need to turn the knob (because there are so many options) popped off at some point. Rather than trying to glue it back on, it just sits there waiting to be turned so that it can pop off and make that plastic clinky noise as it bounces around in the sink. I have grown accustomed to making sure my palm is no where near the top of the knob and when I turn it, I look like someone trying to fetch a pickle out of the bottom of a jar that my hand can only fit in by doing an squid impression. My tentacle like fingers slip up every once and a while and then you hear �*clink clink clink�clinkclinkclinkclink*�DAMNIT.� I�ve tried catching it on the first bounce but that seems to make me look like a cat playing with one of those plastic balls with a bell in the middle and we all know how I never look the fool.

The cold-water disc must have gotten the word out to the kitchen because I was met by a surprise attack this morning when I groggily shuffled into the kitchen for my coffee. I poured the coffee, reached into the fridge for my vanilla caramel coffee mate and upon shaking it noticed that the lid was not secure and made somewhat of a coffee mate rainbow before it all splattered onto the floor/cupboards. It was like white liquid shrapnel. If you hadn�t known what I had just done, to the untrained eye it looked like someone had just shot a porno in there. Since the kitchen tile is white and the overhead light only works when it wants to I had a tough time cleaning it up. It took me a while to even get to that point. I stood there for a while with the canister in my hand, coffee mate dripping all over my hand/arm and staring at the floor. Damn that cold-water disc. I�m sure the coffee mate and the disc are in cahoots. They may have won this round but the war isn�t over.

I have a new plea. Xzibit�Puh-lease pimp my ride! I would like him to totally gay-pimp my ride with pink interior/paint job. I�d also like a rhinestone-encrusted dashboard like the one that Betsy Johnson did for the breast cancer awareness thing. If it�s not too much trouble, Mr. Ibit (that�s what I would call Xzibit), please add a killer sound system with woofers, amps, and a custom alarm system that plays �Queen of the Night� when I unlock/lock my doors. Thanks. Peace out!

Sequins,

Eric