Green Shit and Throwing Shoes

Here�s a fun joke to play on people. Invite some friends over and serve them wraps made with spinach-flavored tortillas. I can�t recall the brand right off the top of my head, but the ones I�m referring to are crayola green. If offers a tasty treat for your guests and then a day or two later wait for them to tell you that they just shit a log the color of the wicked witch of the west. 100 dollars says yes. This is equally amusing if you didn�t throw a party and you didn�t know it would happen and you yourself were the one who ate wraps made from these tortillas. Imagine my surprise when number 2 looked like the forest of Endor. It got even better when Dr. C suddenly asked me what it was I put in his food. I didn�t have anything to say until he said that he crapped green. Fun times. In addition to the green crap, you get, at no additional cost, gas that could steam mussels. Fun.

Another fun gag requires a headboard. When I was about 8 and we lived in Arizona I always used to watch my cartoons in my parents bedroom. It was always cooler in that room and my sister was usually all about the MTV so I did my own thing watching Popeye, TMNT, etc. Anyway, during these cartoon viewings I would usually have a bunch of candy, or perhaps it was just Halloween season I can�t remember. Being the lazy bastard I am, instead of keeping the �fun size� wrappers to throw away, I would bunch them up and then toss them behind me, trying to see if I could make it behind the headboard. I usually did. The headboard was solid and unless you moved the entire bed frame, you weren�t going to see the stockpile that had collected. While doing this, I remember thinking that come moving day it wasn�t going to be pretty when Mom figured out my �throw the trash behind the bed� game. Moving day soon came. The bed was one of the last things to go from the bedroom and I knew as soon as they pulled that sucker back my work would be revealed. In the room were my mom, the movers, and myself. The movers pulled back the bed, and a tower of mounds, snickers, and milky way wrappers came crashing down. Cut to my mom�s eyes growing larger than life. The movers kind of gave her a glance like, �woman, what the hell do you do?� She was not amused. It was clear who the culprit was as I�ve always had an affinity for throwing things.

Once on the beach we took out shoes off and decided to go for a walk. Within the first couple of steps my mom turned to me and said �Eric, don�t throw your shoes.� I was 11 or so at the time. I nodded my head in acknowledgement. I�ll be damned if ten minutes later my shoe went flying, caught a gust of wind, and ended up going over the sea wall. My grandparents were there and I think also friends of the family. I�m sure they were wondering about the odd request made of me to not throw my shoes. It was soon clear as crystal why the request was made. I had also proven the point that regardless of what she said, I was going to throw them. You don�t own me!

I throw things and I�m lazy. Last night it was decided that a trip to target was in our future. The weather has decided to take a turn for the colder after being in the 70s over the weekend. I slipped on a jacket and then put my Birkenstocks on. Dr. C told me it was cold outside. I realized this but you see, being a lazy bastard, I didn�t want to have to deal with first putting on socks, then having to find shoes, and finally having to lace them up. It�s a hassle I could have done without. The only time I was going to spend outside was walking from the car to the store and then back out to the car. I can suffer for a few minutes if that means I don�t have to do through the ordeal of the whole foot/sock/shoe thing. I was also told that my hair was disheveled. Good. I like it like that.

e.