longest fart

The longest fart ever not recorded

Ok, so my mothers sister, my aunt, stayed with us sporadically throughout my childhood. The reason for her staying with us was never known to me and my sister, it would just be a random �hey guess what? Mara is coming to stay with us for a little while.� This caused all kinds of happiness as my aunt Mara kicked ass. She didn�t have too much patience for children so when she would be subjected to riding in the back of our van with me and my sister, she would always bribe us in some way, shape, or form. Usually we would have to pick a color and then she would tell us that she would give us X amount of money for each car we spotted that was the color we just mentioned. It makes her sound like a total bitch, but she was never mean to us, it�s just when she was tired of us nagging her and talking to her she would devise some clever way to distract our attention away from her and usually this involved money�which is why she was so awesome.

When my Dad was overseas in Japan, she and my Mom would always drink too much wine and stay up late listening to records. This amused my sister and I to no end. I didn�t realize it at the time, but for whatever reason, both of them always seemed twice as much fun when this happened. As an 8 year old, I was familiar with the concept of too much wine = fun.

Early in her career of staying with us, she had a pair of high heel tan leather boots. These things were GOLD as far as Kristin and I were concerned. They were boots for starters, and not only were they boots, but they had high heels! They made the best sound in the world when walking on hardwood floors and/or tile (*clomp clomp clomp*). My sister and I fought over who would wear them and eventually they were retired by my mother when she discovered that the lining on the inside had been worn down too much and there was a nail starting to poke out at the heel. I miss those boots�bugaw (sad chicken noise).

Once she stayed with us while my mother had gone to Japan to visit my father for a week or two. Left unsupervised, my sister, my aunt, and myself were destined for fun. This meant fast food, being chauffeured to and from school (which was about three blocks away), and getting to stay up late and watch VH1 and movies of our choosing. Mara would be all to happy to do these things, but there came a point where she would grow tired of running after the children and would go into cranky mode. Cranky mode usually meant a long stare if you did something she did not approve of, or if you did something childish that she was not in the mood for. Toilet humor was not something she found funny in the least (possibly one of her only downfalls, however quite mystifying in a way because no one could stink up a bathroom like this mother�Kristin and I always knew that if you went in the bathroom after Mara in the morning, it was going to be your funeral.) Perhaps she giggled her booty off when in the bathroom stinkin up a storm in the morning and that was her fix for the day. While she had us all to herself, I was in the kitchen, probably eating raw brown sugar from the box when I suddenly realized that I had to fart like there was no tomorrow. My sister and my aunt were sitting on the couch watching television and I knew that this mother could not squeak out because I would get the stare of all stares and was too early in the day for this to happen. Cranky mode usually never set in that early unless provoked.

I crossed my legs, hoping upon all hopes that I could make it either outside, or into the bathroom and let this bad mother fly. I uncrossed my legs and took one step towards the door and it happened. One loud boom and the demon had been unleashed. This immediately drew attention since the television was not turned up the loud. Kristin and Mara turned their heads in my direction and I stepped back behind the counter and squeezed as hard as I could to prevent any further gas leakage. Now, this technique usually works for me, but on this occasion, my ass had decided that rather than stop it, it would just make the pitch go up and suddenly it sounded like I was letting the air out of a balloon really slowly, which results in a high-pitched squeal that only bats can hear, and of course in this case, my aunt and my sister. The noise kept getting higher and higher and lasting longer and longer. This allowed my aunt not only to do a stare down, but also to change expressions several times, with every different note my ass was now deciding to make. It was like I was singing scales out of my 0-ring. While my aunts expressions changed I knew that there was nothing I could do but just let this bitch fly and as a 9 year-old this was, of course, the funniest fucking thing ever. I started laughing, my sister started laughing, and by the end of it all I believe 5 minutes had passed. The laughing just made �cranky mode� set it harder and longer. All was not lost though as I had just heard the funniest fart ever and would laugh about it for the rest of the day. I�m not quite sure what my aunt expected when she takes us out for fast food all the time. Taco Bell isn�t exactly going to cure you of gastrointestinal problems. Lesson learned.

e.